More quiet these days…

I know I have been more quiet these past couple of weeks and I have people asking me how round 5 has been treating me. I am happy to report that I am bouncing back pretty well just like the last time. I had thought that my good news about my cancer marker going down was what helped me after round 4 but now I am starting to think that all my adjuvant therapies are kicking in. 

I have been reading a book lately, I guess a rare sighting around here as I have not had much mental energy to read. This book is about a French Canadian psychoanalyst who rid himself of a stage 4 cancer. Guy Corneau is the author and is well known around the world for writing many self-help books and giving many talks. Unbeknownst to me, I have been doing pretty much everything he has done on top of his chemo to help fight his cancer. This makes me feel like I am on the right path with everything I have been doing (green juices, supplements, and medidations/visulizations). On top of this, he also did energetic therapy, homeopathy, holoenergetic healing (still researching this one!), and psychotherapy.

As a therapist, I have not felt the desire to see a psychologist at all.  For one, as described in my “don’t believe everything you read” post, I didn’t want someone to start looking at trauma in my life to explain this cancer because I was exactly where I wanted to be and did not have trauma. And for two, I simply did not feel like talking. My writing felt enough, at least for now. 

After talking with a dear friend of mine, I ended up agreeing to see an “integrative therapist”. It is kind of hard to describe what he does but I would say he is a “mind-body” therapist. The first time my friend mentioned him, I pretty much rolled my eyes and never thought I would make an appointment with him. Now, I do believe that people are put in our lives for a reason and I am very grateful that I met him and that he has agreed to work with me. This therapist helps me get out of my mind and thoughts to be more in touch with emotions and physical sensations in the body. It helps me get off the wrong train of thoughts and to get onto the right train when I get lost in my sad or fearful thoughts. We talked about people having “tigers” in their lives – which I always talked to my patients about. Cavemen had to deal with saber tooth tigers and just the sight or thought of a tiger can trigger the fight or flight response. I know that we create our own tigers and that often these tigers are nothing and elicit our stress response for nothing and waste our physical and mental energies. In my case, my tiger is real, I have stage 4 cancer, my cancer cannot get worst, 4 is the last digit, the most severe case. If I don’t get rid of this cancer I die, so yes my tiger is real. My therapist was very patient with me when I was trying to confront him and explain this to him, and in the end he was right, even if my tiger is real, I can’t get stuck in the “what ifs” and need to focus on my therapies working, on my strength to fight, and on my inner peace to calm my autonomic nervous system to promote my healing. I am very confident that I will find my meaning with him and after my last session, (which I call my crying sessions lol), I felt very empowered. He helps me tap into my inner strength and inner peace. I am very grateful for him – Thank you Jim! 

So part of my being more quiet these days, is that I started this inner quest to find my meaning in this cancer. I know I will find it and I will turn it into something productive in my life, I guarantee it!   



4 thoughts on “More quiet these days…

  1. Prayers for continued strength and for finding peace in the midst of the battle. Love you, Rachel. Slay the tiger. Show no mercy.

  2. Even though you have been quiet, it’s ok to take this time to be introspective. We know you will call/ask if you need us. Prayers to you to continue to “kill” this tiger. We love and miss you at work.

  3. Praying for inner peace and inner strength for you Rachel. Here’s to feeling empowered!
    Just be aware that there is a chance you may not find that meaning just yet. It may not be right in front of you to grasp, it may be down the road. You may find meaning later when you look back on the path you have traveled. So don’t get frustrated along the way trying to find your meaning in this cancer.

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