It’s this time of the year where we give thanks for the richness of our lives and for our wonderful family and friends. There is a lot that I am thankful for but this year there is a big shadow clouding my thanks, making me feel a bit bitter. Of course this shadow is my cancer that has turned my life upside down and fills me with fear and sadness. As excited as I am about Thanksgiving and the Holidays approaching, I can’t rid myself of the thought that maybe my Holidays are counted. You always think you will live forever but living with a Stage 4 cancer takes away you carefreeness and for me it gives me more pressure to make everything we do “count”, especially every Holiday to come.
I have been so thankful and grateful for all the help we have had since my diagnosis. First, my parents, then my sister and her husband, and now my in-laws. Everyone has been so helpful, so patient with our boys, and so generous. I really don’t know what I would have done without them and this is bringing us all closer. I am also thankful for all my wonderful friends who have been so so so supportive and encouraging, their constant cheers and notes they send me keep me going and give me courage and strength.
I most thankful for my husband. I simply just love him. I love him so much that almost every time he wraps me up in his comforting, soothing and loving arms, the tears start rolling down my cheeks. I can’t help feeling like I am letting him down. Who gets married without thinking about being with their spouse forever and that they would grow old together. This has always been my vision. I am supposed and want to be his life partner every step of the way. I know that when we got married, it was for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health until death did us apart but I feel it is so unfair that this may come too soon. We are too young to be dealing with this, we were exactly where we wanted to be in our life and now the rug was just pulled from underneath us. I can’t fathom the idea of him being without a wife and my kids without their mommy. When Sebastien asked me if I was going to get better the other night, I asked him why he was asking me this question and his answer was “because I don’t want you to be replaced”, my heart sunk. What I am supposed to say to that? hell yeah I don’t want to be replaced either, I want to be here to love you, care for you and see you grow for a long long time. This is just too heart breaking.
I bet the people around me probably wouldn’t be able to tell how scared and sad I am. Being around people is good because I forget that I have cancer. I don’t want my neuropathy, hand and foot syndrome, the burnt feeling in my mouth and throat, the reflux that burns and wakes me up at night, my bleeding gums, the taste of metal in my mouth, and my failing taste buds to be the center of attention. Nor do I want them to know my fears about the future and next scans, the apprehension of my next chemo, or how hard it is to live with all this. We talk about everything else, as if I didn’t have this cancer and that’s actually good for me, I am not moping around feeling sorry for myself. The down side though is when I find myself alone, I burst into sobs… I don’t want to have cancer I hate it, I just hate it.
So all this to say that as grateful as I am for everything I have, all the love and support I have been given, I can’t help to feel bitter and ungrateful for this cancer. Today is Thanksgiving day and I know it will be filled with love and laughter with my family, my in-laws and my friends and I will forget for a little while what I am going through. I didn’t mean do be a “Debbie Downer” today. I want to wish you all a Happy Thanksging and remind you to count your blessings and be grateful for your health, I always took mine for granted…