It’s chemo Monday today and I am thrilled to be here, I wasn’t sure my blood levels would be fine to go ahead but they were, so woohoo I get to have Christmas week be my “good” week!
The past couple of weeks have been a little trying I must admit. My friend told me things come in threes and as much as I didn’t want to believe her, she was right! I recovered pretty well from the last infusion but was hit with the worst ear/throat infection I have ever had and was put on antibiotics. My main fear was to not be fine for my next infusion as I so wanted to have Christmas week off. I then had to take Pierro to the ER for an allergic reaction to his antibiotics – and of course all hell broke lose the only week our “help” was gone – that has to be Murphy’s law for sure but at least it was nothing we couldn’t handle by ourselves! I also had to deal with a crappy situation where my integrity was questioned and where false interpretations/accusations were made about my intentions. Yes, I admit I had done something wrong and acknowledged it- but the other person wouldn’t hear that their interpretations of the situation were wrong. I thought I was owed an apology but I put my big girls panties on and apologized first. Sadly, I feel like I put my hand out to shake hands but it was declined. This made me realize that this was not my schtick and I was then able to truly let it go. I guess I am more upset that I let this situation eat me up and took away some fighting energy from my most important fight.
So I am back on track now. The Holidays have been a little hard. I find myself weepy at the drop of a hat. Having cancer changes you and your life in so many ways. I know I have talked about this before, but the idea of not being “carefree” anymore is huge. I had to miss a kids Christmas brunch, a boat parade and Holiday parties to make sure I would not expose myself to germs/viruses that could compromise my health and my next infusion. Our Christmas tree was ready to decorate on chemo Monday, I tried to stay up for it but didn’t have the energy and was too buzzed to do anything. Sebastien was so excited and eager to decorate it that he decorated with grandma. I was so bummed to miss it but I could hear them both being so excited. Sebastien was so joyful to rediscover each ornament he was unwrapping. He was so proud to say that “he had the Christmas spirit”, then I heard him say “don’t you love Christmas grandma? I love Christmas, this is when we spend time with our family”, I just wanted to crawl out of bed to give him a big hug and apologize for not being able to share this special moment with him. The other day I was picking him up from a friend’s house and drove by the beautiful mansions on the river all decorated for the Holidays and I just bursted into tears. It has always been my dream to have a little shack on the river (I don’t want a mansion – I don’t like cleaning that much!). The idea of being able to launch my paddleboard from our backyard and enjoying the sunsets right from our back porch was a dream that I thought we might be able to reach one day but now it all seems so futile, unthinkable… the thoughts “why me”, “this is so unfair” keep creeping on me although I know there is no answer…
There are still really good moments, don’t get me wrong. It is just upsetting to not feel like yourself, not being able to do all the things you used to, to hit all the stores you want to find unique little presents, not being able to do all the Holiday cooking I used to do, worrying about not being able to attend the school parties and all. Yesterday was really nice though, just hanging out with my friend making Christmas cookies with her sweet little girl and niece while the boys were running around just being boys. I am learning to chill and be fine not running around all the time. I can’t wait for Christmas and know that we have a lot of fun times ahead of us leading to that day!